The Post That Took Over Time (but not space)

10Nov08

Dear Innernet,

We have much to talk about. I’ll go first.

I have officially reclaimed my status as Best Boyfriend Ever. This is cause for great celebration. Possibly a parade. Or a fancy hat at the least.

I’m going to try and run through all the events of the last weekend in chronological order. (please note that I said TRY. Sometimes I’m not good at time. I don’t even know what time it is RIGHT NOW, or if it is today or yesterday yet. Time is confusing and I don’t pay much attention to it. Fuck time.) So we’re going to start from…Thursday? yes, Thursday.

Speedle was working, as usual, but he was actually cut fairly early in the night so he could have some birthday fun. Once midnight rolled around, he becaaaaaaaame….21! yes! My boyfriend is now an adult that has nothing to fear but the looming death of being 30! Also, I no longer feel like a creeper.

Needless to say, shots were coming from every direction.

Speedle will not be drinking Superman Shots again anytime soon.

Also needless to say, Speedle got drunk.

Now what do drunk people do after getting drunk at the bar? They go get food! Greasy, fatty, possibly fried, most times breakfasty, artery clogging, i-can’t-believe-I’m-eating-this-right-now goodness that you can only get from 24 hour diners. Fortunately, there was one such diner handy.

Speedle’s kind of cute when he’s drunk. He forgets some of the basic things that everyone should know, such as: hot coffee is hot, food go in mouth not table/lap/floor, the ability to speak quietly. None of that is particularly cute, but he also likes to make it well known, by all, that he loves me and I’m “such a good/amazing person”

We finished our food, and wanted a cigarette, so we went up to the counter (it’s a mostly non smoking establishment). Speedle continued to profess his love and keep a hand on my leg. Unbeknownst to me, we were sitting in front of two drunk, out and proud, heterosexual men.

There will be a time in every gay person’s life where they will have to deal with a Dumb Straight Guy/Girl. DSG’s can not be avoided, for they come to you. DSG’s usually can’t be reasoned with, they have no known weaknesses for they are “Always Right.” Since you “chose” to be gay, that translates to “choosing” to be “stupid/fucked up/wrong”

I have dealt with many DSG’s in my twenty two years and feel that I handle with them with an unsettling amount of finesse.

(THIS IS A WARNING: the following conversation deals with a DSG and gay sex. It is crass, lewd, and vulgar. You may not want to read it. I don’t even like the fact that I’m going to write it…but it is kind of funny.)

Speedle and I stood up to leave but DSG 1 put up his hand to stop us.

DSG 1: Hey, are you guys gay?

Self & Speedle: yep.

DSG 1: So…you like to, y’know like…suck cock? And have butt sex?

Self: indeed

Speedle: yeah…we’re gay

DSG 1: have you ever like, gotten shit on your cock though?

Self: unfortunately, this CAN happen. I’m guessing this means you’ve never had anal sex with anybody…male or female.

Speedle: Dude, when you’re gay…shit happens.

DSG 1: but…you like to suck cock

Self: I feel that we’ve been over—

DSG 1: you like to suck shit off cock? Lick shit?

Self: um…have you ever even had sex?

Speedle: …

DSG 1: like…you like to eat shit? Lick shit off cocks? Cocks? Shit? Suck cock shit? Like, lick suck shit lick?

(this…is not an exaggeration. In fact…it went on longer than this)

At this point, I started to question whether or not that man had ever said a full sentence in his life. I couldn’t handle the rearrangement of those four words any more, so I walked up and put a hand on his shoulder.

Self: Alright, stop. Let me give you a little advice. You seem really interested in this. One might even use the word “curious” to describe you, and that sounds awfully gay.

DSG 2: (making his entrance) HA!

Speedle: O_O (that’s a face, yo)

DSG 1: ?

Self: So I’m just going to pass this along to you, and you can pass it long to the next man or women you would be lucky enough to have anal and possibly oral sex with: suck it before you fuck it.

Speedle & DSG 2: *snort*

Brain: um…Jesse…DSG 1 looks kind of angry. I mean…way to pwn but…

Self: And now I’m going to walk away before you punch me in the face. Have a nice night sir.

(THE CONVERSATION’S OVER, YOU CAN READ AGAIN)

Then we went home and slept.

The next morning, I took Speedle to the Omelette Shoppe so he could have his favorite breakfast: eggs benedict. He was still pretty sleepy when we got back from breakfast, so I let him take a nap while I proceeded to run around the world and be the best friend ever.

This involved a trip to the mall to buy a 16G IPod Nano (blue…his favorite color). Then a trip to Meijer to buy a picture frame, glue, and Reese’s. THEN! Off to a coffee shop to put all the music on the ipod.

While Speedle Deedle was synchronizing (yes…I named his ipod “Speedle Deedle”) I spent approximately TEN BILLION MINUTES (or ten) opening the Reese’s as delicately as possible. I managed to get it open without tearing the wrapper, then I took the Reese’s out.

Now…I didn’t know what to do with the Reese’s. I’m not really a big fan of A.) chocolate B.) candy 3.) anything sweet. The barista and his friend were sitting at a table nearby, so I decided they might like some candy…from a stranger in a strange land.

Self: Hey! So, um…want some candy? I mean…I just bought these Reese’s and I really don’t want them. I just needed the wrapper.

Barista: um…

Guy: Why just the wrapper?

Self: I just bought my boyfriend an ipod.

Barista & Guy: …

Self: oh! Haha…no, it’s his birthday and I’m putting the ipod in the wrapper and resealing it so he has no clue what it is.

Barista: aw, that’s cute…

Self: So have some candy. I don’t like chocolate. They’re not poisoned.

Guy: …

Self: ok, maybe they are.

Barista & Guy:…

Self: QUIT LOOKING AT ME SO AWKWARDLY! JUST TAKE THE FUCKING CANDY!

Then they had me locked away, in a padded room, forever and ever, amen.

I don’t know why I attempt to talk to strangers.

I must say, though, that I am quite impressed with how well I was able to reseal the candy wrapper. It looked real, y’all! Like, deceptively real. So real…that it was unreal.

When I got home, Speedle was just waking up. I sat next to him on the bed and made sure that my face looked like “I am so pissed off right now”

Speedle: what’s wrong?

Self: I’m sorry, don’t be upset but…I wasn’t able to get your present. I went to the mall, and that store didn’t have what I wanted, so then I drove around to a jillion other places and everyone was out so…I just got you some candy. Sorry.

Then I threw the Reese’s Pod at him. He held it, and continued to look concerned about my upsetness (for I looked upset. I can act!)

Speedle: It’s okay baby…when AM I going to get it though? What was it?

Self: Nothing…just –don’t worry about it. I don’t know. Just…eat your candy. I want one.

He didn’t seem to keen on having candy (I later learned he was still a little nauseous from drinking) but he started feeling the package more. I saw the light bulb go off in his head when he realized the Reese’s were full of trickery and lies.

People…Speedle almost lost his eyeballs. They almost popped right out of his head.

Then we spent the next while playing with the ipod. I showed him all the bells and whistles, and how it already had 7 gigs of music on it, plus pictures of him and me and things that I like. Then he put on the head phones and jumped around the house, listening to things like Aqua, Air, and Imogen Heap.

That’s how I became best boyfriend ever 2.0

If you were paying close attention, you would have noticed that I also bought a picture frame. That’s because I made him this:

Speedle, us, and me

For I am crafty, and cheesy. Much like Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. Whatever gets your noodle goin’

Anwyay, eventually we made it to dinner with his friends. Then we went to Throwbacks to visit Alexandria and have a drink or two. Then we made it down to Diversions for the real party. Then it was good times, many drinks and shots, and a bunch of weird old drag queens. However, Speedle never got sick (I’m so proud!) and he never got TOO drunk.

But we still took a cab home.

Lucky for us, we know a gay cabbie that decided the ride would be Speedle’s present.

I still threw some dollars his way.

Now we’re crossing into Saturday. We went to breakfast at a Chinese buffet where we were the ONLY smokers. So we sat in a HUGE pretty room…by ourselves. That really doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but…it was something I felt you needed to know.

So, Saturday night is when Gay Drama 2008 started. Alright…it had already started, but I didn’t get involved until Saturday night.

(If you’re not a regular reader, please go to the cast page and read the profiles of Jayda and Alexandria)

(don’t worry, I’ll wait.)

(ready? Ok.)

Apparently, Jayda had been interested in a boy that I’m going to call Shoulder (don’t worry, this will be explained)…then Alexandria some how sort of stole him…or, whatever. (I don’t know how to talk about drama…Fun > Drama…Self =/= Drama…let me use more equations: Self + Drama = Brain Popping) So of course, Jayda got all pissed off (justifiable, I suppose) and Alexandria didn’t show any remorse or…whatever, and him and Shoulder are kind of a…a thing? Now? But Shoulder likes Jayda more?

So…we were all at Throwbacks. Shoulder, Jayda, and I were all drinking and discussing the weirdness of our lives (like sands through an hourglass) Jayda, I think, could no longer soberly handle the situation so…magically shots started appearing. Many of them. And my glass of vodka cranberry was approximately 19 parts vodka to one part cran.

Fast forward to home and drunk.

I insisted on cuddling with Jayda because it was FREAKING COLD in our house. COLD. I don’t know HOW cold other than VERY VERY COLD. Negative Warm.

Then, Shoulder felt the need to keep me up until four in the morning, discussing what he should do about the boys.

This is where his name comes in.

He kept putting his head on my shoulder, any time he was upset. So…I figured it was fitting.

Now, we’ve bled into Sunday.

Speedle and I spent a good portion of the day shopping, then he went to dinner with a friend. The whole gang later met up at Rumours for a drag pageant. Speedle and I ended up getting to sit in the little balcony, which was fun…and made me feel important even though we did not have things to sit on, like chairs.

Other than the fun shows, nothing too exciting happened there, other than the owner of Throwbacks telling me I am very sexy and “exotic” looking.

(exotic = not white)

And that’s basically what I’ve been doing with my time.

But guess what else happened Sunday!?!?

IT SNOWED.

And it’s cold.

And I don’t like it.

Take me somewhere warm.

Or send wine.

Filed under: Speedle Antics, That Time I Got Drunk   |  1 Comment
Tags: 21st birthday, Alexandria, ass, bar, best boyfriend ever, butt sex, cab, candy, chinese buffet, cock, cold, cute, dick, drag queens, drama, drunk, dumb straight guy, exotic, gay, glue, ipod, Jayda, licking, life, love, picture, picture frame, presents, resse's, sexy, shots, shoulder, snow, speedle, strangers, suck, superman, wine